“But even though we are hundreds of miles apart, our hearts still beat together…”
21st september, 2016. I wrote this a day before she got married wishing her all the luck and happiness in this world. Only if I knew I will have to look for her in my dreams and memories after two months…
I never had the courage to tell you how much I loved you, because that would have made me vulnerable. And you always knew how I hate being vulnerable. So you accepted the way I was. You were strong. Brave. This is why you always spoke your heart out and said,
“Mashal tujhe mujh se ziada kabhi koi pyar nae karega. Yaad rakhna!”
(Mashal nobody will ever love you like I do. Remember!)
I remember everything Ayesha. Every moment we spent together. Every time we laughed together. Cried together. Laughed till we cried together. The moment my heart guessed you are no more, it felt like a piece of me has left. I needed air. I pushed my way outside. I sat on the curb. Silent. I held it together for a moment, trying to understand if this could happen in real; the crying, screaming, gasping came later. For a few moments the world forgot turning.
I regret not being able to tell you how much I love(d) you. How much I admire(d) you, that you made me the person I am. That in life and in death, you are (were) one of the most essential parts of my being. You understood my words and my silence. You were always there when nobody else was. Whenever I was in pain, you cried before I did. How you always complained about the world being so cruel yet, you were always optimistic. How we planned our weddings, our children’s weddings, our old age wheelchair races. How we loved watching horror movies with our eyes and ears closed. How we silently used to sit on the café’s roof in the evening contemplating life. How you stood up for me no matter what the situation was. How you loved me like nobody ever did..
I am surprised by how much life has changed in past two weeks, and yet everything seems to be the same. I catch myself thinking, how could this happen? Is my Ayesha no more? It strikes me in the most mundane places; the car, the grocery store, while eating. Everything is connected to you one way or the other Ayesha. I remember it all over again. Sometimes, the memory hits me full on like a powerful jolt, and other times it sneaks in and settles itself for the sake of those around me.
That is how we are forced to be reminded of our immortality and the immortality of everything that surrounds us. Human beings, we sometimes like to think of ourselves as gods and death is that reminder that we are not. They say this is how life goes on. You have to let go of the people you love the most someday. It’s an unchangeable reality. They say it’s harsh but inevitable. But they never teach how to cope up with such a loss. I believe at the end it’s all mere words. Whether it’s remembering the words of the person you lost, or listening to others find the right words to comfort you, or finding the right words to be able to comfort others. And maybe with enough time and love, there will come a day that you can even find the right words to comfort your own self. Maybe this is how we make peace with losing our loved ones. I’m still trying to find my words and I doubt that I’ll ever succeed.
My beautiful Ayesha, the vacuum you have created within me is beyond words. And I believe you will always love me more than anyone else could. You will always be with me even though you never will be. And if there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that you are in a much better place than this world.